Grief Is for People

Part 4 examines the period of 2020: This time is far enough away from the immediate shock of Russell’s death and thus marks an interval when Crosley finds herself shifting into the “depression” stage of grief. The thematic pairing of personal grief with a global crisis creates a parallel, as Crosley’s internal struggles echo the broader, collective mourning experienced during the pandemic, as well as offering a moment when the world feels paused, much like grieving itself. Though there is no way to know what kind of experience Crosley would have had in facing her grief had it not coincided with the pandemic, she stresses that this timing proves fitting. Because the world experiences a state of heightened anxiety, Crosley finds her depression appropriate and acceptable. As the rest of the world experiences similar frustration and fear over the virus—along with sadness for the deaths it causes—Crosley feels that other people, at last, understand the emotions she has been experiencing. This shared experience of grief blurs the lines between personal and communal loss, highlighting the universality of mourning. She is unapologetic for her depression when she otherwise might feel pressure to “get on with life” as usual. Since life as usual does not exist during the pandemic, the sense that the world has permanently changed because of Russell’s death is even more paramount, speaking to the theme of Social Expectations Involving Death and Death by Suicide.

This part emphasizes the physical emptiness of New York City, stressing what an odd and unusual state the pandemic brings about. With the streets devoid of crowds and commerce and other aspects of the city at a standstill, Crosley has a rare opportunity to be alone with her grief. This forced isolation heightens her sadness in some respects—in others, it is useful, forcing Crosley to face her sadness rather than avoiding it. The emptiness of the city serves as both a literal and metaphorical backdrop for Crosley’s grief, symbolizing the void left by Russell’s absence. Because the restaurant is closed, Crosley can no longer partake in the ritual she has established of having imaginary conversations there. Instead, she must find new methods of confronting her grief. Reading old text messages from Russell only makes her feel worse, and, ultimately, it is Grand Central Station that offers solace. Her visiting there often but never traveling anywhere is symbolic of the way she repeatedly visits her memories of Russell without truly feeling as though she is making effective strides in her grief. The station, a hub of movement and connectivity, contrasts with Crosley’s emotional stagnation, underscoring her struggle to move forward. It is here, however, that she does indeed experience a kind of progress when her imaginary conversation with Russell takes on a different tenor than before, as Crosley imagines him admitting that he was indeed filled with sadness. In imagining this response from Russell, Crosley is acknowledging that Russell was likely suffering emotionally in ways that no one was aware. Her acknowledgement of this is a gradual shift toward accepting that she is not to blame for his death and may not have been able to prevent it. This shift marks a significant step in Crosley’s journey toward reconciliation with her own emotions, as she begins to separate Russell’s pain from her perceived responsibility.

Part 5 brings an important closure to Crosley’s struggle through grief. The key event that provides her with a means to move forward actually occurs earlier, chronologically speaking, than it is presented in the book: the jump from the cliff in Australia. That this event actually occurs much closer to Russell’s death date is meaningful because it reinforces the way in which grief and its stages do not occur linearly or in the same order for all mourners. By presenting this event out of chronological order, Crosley mirrors the fragmented, cyclical nature of grief, where emotions resurface and evolve. It is plausible that though the urge to complete the jump—and the subsequent decision to not jump—occurs close to Russell’s death by suicide, the impact of this event is not understood or realized for Crosley until later. She acknowledges that the desire to jump is greatly bound up in a desire to feel, both physically and emotionally, what Russell felt as he faced his death. In having an opportunity to do this—but then deciding not to—Crosley symbolically chooses to persevere with life without Russell, accepting, in a sense, that she will never be able to bring him back nor completely understand his feelings. Her decision not to jump serves as a metaphorical turning point, representing her choice to live and carry Russell’s memory with her rather than allow it to consume her. In this way, the memoir once again provides an opportunity to Make Meaning of Trauma. The discovery of the broken necklace becomes significant and symbolic of Crosley’s acceptance of the finality and reality of Russell’s death. Believing that the other half of the necklace was lost forever, Crosley receives an unexpected surprise, suggesting that she may indeed continue to find signs of Russell as she moves forward through her life. Being able to reunite the broken pieces is a way of reclaiming the other stolen jewelry in a metaphorical sense. This act of reuniting the broken halves symbolizes the potential for healing and reconnection, even in the face of profound loss. Though both Russell and much of the jewelry are permanently gone, the impact of both on Crosley’s life remains. This enduring impact serves as a testament to the lasting presence of loved ones, even after their physical absence, and underscores the memoir’s message of resilience and remembrance.